dara.

Here

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 04:25:09 GMT

I'm in Lancaster now, and it's really the place where I am happiest. I love the people here and I love just getting out of where I live. Tracy and I found some apartments online and I think I found one I like. I would like to look at them sometime, maybe next month when/if I'm here again.

I'm leaving tomorrow, and I really don't want to. I've talked to my mom about tranferring here for the rest of my senior year, even before school even started again and she's always said "No" because she'd miss me too much.

What the hell is my mom going to do when we live an hour away?

I've decided that I'm not going to college right after high school, either. I want to work and live and have a nice time and finally decide what I want to do.

Yes.

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 15:18:38 GMT

My mom let me, well, more had me stay home from school today. She didn't like the way I sounded when i was talking to her and she said that my glands are really big, so she had me stay home.

The day has been nice so far. I just finished the Perks of Being a Wallflower. It's so great. Now I need another book though. I would like to read Naked Lunch, but I don't know where to find it. When my brother gets up, I'll ask him if he has a library card, and if we could go to the library today. That would be nice.

I think I have to go to Syracuse and Binghamton and Rochester this weekend with my family. I am not excited about this. I was talking to my mom last night about it, and I think we might have it agreed that if I go this weekend with them then I can go to Lancaster next weekend. That would be nice, I just hate the thought of having to endure this weekend to be rewarded with next weekend makes me itchy.

I feel horrible, too because I will be missing another one of Tracy's plays. I hate it. I want to ask Jesse if he would go up this weekend since he and I were discussing it earlier this week. That way I would have a ride up and back and most of all I would get to hang out with Jesse, which I haven't done outside of school for about a year now, which really makes me very sad.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I wanted to write him a poem or something. Something really corny and cute, but would also get my point across. I might write that today if I rememeber and have the time.

My mom asked me to "slick up the house." My cousin is coming to house sit while we're gone so we have to make the house look nice, I suppose. My mom asked me specifically to do laundy since we all have to pack tonight and are leaving sometime in the afternoon tomorrow.

While talking with my mom about either going to Lancaster or Syracuse with them, I kept insisting that there was not going to be enough room for all of us. I still don't think there will be enough room for even my sister to go with them this time. They have to take all the equipment they'll need plus all of their luggage. It just seems so illogical to me to bring another person into all of this to stuff into the space we don't have. On top of that, I'm becoming ill. I don't want to get everyone else sick as well.

I guess I'll just have to tough it out. Like I've been saying all week, "I'll do what I have to", but I guess I have to wait another week before seeing Tracy. :[

Bad Day.

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 22:21:23 GMT

I always forget that I want to update this.

First off, George Harrison's son is extremely attractive. My dad and brother are watching A Concert for George. It's really great.

Today has been such a horrible mood day for me. I kind of know why, but I'm not so sure why it's come up now.
I'm thinking about Sam a lot. I still love him. And I always will. I think it might have something do to with me reading the Perks of Being a Wallflower recently.

I found a copy of it in my sister's room and I started to read it, but stopped because I really want my mom to read it. She watches too much television I think, and I think it would help her talk to me more, as retarded as that seems.

Anyway, Sam is a character in the book for those who haven't read it, and she's beautiful, as Charlie describes her. He really loves Sam, and Sam tells him that she loves him, too, but they can't do anything about it because she is older and really likes Craig.
This only reminds me of my Sam, and how much I miss him and there's nothing I can do about it and when we were together, he knew exactly how I felt about him and I knew he liked me, too but I could never have a chance of being anything with him because he was always dating some other girl. It hurt so much, but I know that he didn't feel what he felt for me for those girls. He told me.

I haven't stopped listening to Brand New for about two weeks, and it makes me sad, but it's kind of tearing the emotion I've been forcing myself not to feel out of me. I've been crying on and off all day. I also listened to Bright Eyes while I cleaned my room. I didn't do a whole lot during that time, I just had to sit and listen. It hurt, but I feel better.

Different subject:
I am trying to so hard to find a way to get to Lancaster this weekend for Tracy's play. I want to go so bad, but I don't know who would go with me or how I'd get there. I've been wanting Roger to go, but I haven't talked to him in a while. I should go to his house. Being in Lancaster, or at least out of this county makes me feel so good. Especially being with Tracy, because she is love.

Valentine's Day is Wednesday, which could explain why I feel so horrible about all of this. The only Valentine I want is gone, but I know that if he was here, he would be my Valentine. I know it.

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 14:44:03 GMT

Um, Alex is pretty much the cutest boy I've ever met. Ever.

And I think I'm the best at finding people on MySpace/being a total creep.

I haven't talked to Alex in about 3 weeks now, and it really makes me sad. He's so great. And he only lives about 45 minutes away. I need a car. I need my license.

I don't feel like going to school, but I have to very soon. I'm obviously going in late, but I don't want to go in because I won't be leaving until at least 5.

School, pep band rehearsal, marching band meeting, musical.
I am such a geek.

Maybe someday I'll go to Olean without telling Alex and suprise him, if he's there. I still kind of remember where he lives. Gahhh. :[

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 02:29:10 GMT

I stayed home from school today, because I could hardly get myself out of bed and then off of the couch. I feel horrible. My mom asked me what I had eaten today, which wasn't a lot since I slept for a good part of the day, and she said that it'd probably be good for me to start eating more.

I hate eating. I hate the feeling of being full. I love being hungry. I love fasting and feeling light. My mom said she wasn't talking about eating meat, because she knows I would never do that, but I really don't want to eat anymore than I already do. I guess I should just start going to bed earlier.

On another note, I've been beating myself up over this dilemma in my mind; Would it be better to have sex with one of your brother's friends and have your brother freak about about it, or would it be better to have sex with your friend's brother which could potentially ruin a friendship?

The first one seems like it would be better, but then you would also have a brother constantly reminding you of it if it doesn't work out and awkwardness everytime that friend is around.

Whatever, I need to go to bed soon.

Fast.

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 17:59:48 GMT

I hate holidays.

I ate so much these past two days. I'm fasting today and maybe tomorrow. I'm too scared to get on the scale or measure myself. So I won't. Not until Friday. GAHH!

and the past two times I've gone to the police station to do my car washes, Walsh is never there and the weather is bad, so I don't have to do anything that day, which means that I have to do it at another time, which really sucks. :[

that's all.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 04:28:44 GMT

I made it through a week of school, and I'm still not really sure how.
I came into school late a lot though, that's the only way I can seem to get there at all.
I don't know how I got through all of it, because I was really hardly ever there with all of my out of school performances for select ensemble and marching band.
next week is going to be just as difficult to get through with pep band performances and more select ensemble things.
I really cannot wait for this year to end
so I can start over.

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 18:46:00 GMT

i called my mom and told her how I felt today.
I had intended to go to school today, but I couldn't get myself out of bed.
I woke up feeling disgusting and being too warm.
My cat slept on the back of my knees though, and that was nice.
Mommy said that it kind of sounds like I either have mono or a mild case of the flu.
I was kind of thinking the flu a few days ago.
But never mono.
We went through this a year ago, too.
This is gay.
:[
coffee.

I wish -

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 17:25:43 GMT

that I wasn't sick so I didn't have to feel so bad about missing all this school.

that I could lose weight without nearly dying every time I attempt it.

that I didn't live so far away from everyone I like to be around.

that my temperature would get up to at least 96°.

that my parents weren't the exact opposite of who I want to be.

fuck that. i'm being gay.

mothr fuk

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 18:35:24 GMT

i went to see Roger yesterday and I think I got some of his sickness. So, I'm home today drinking tea. I want people to come over and watch movies with me, like I did for Roger yesterday, but I can't go over there and he definitely cannot come here. Just me and Dan and the dog. :[[

i got bored and did my makeup though. it's really gay,but if you're into that sort of thing, I guess I looks pretty neat.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 04:25:58 GMT

I trimmed the short side of my hair yesterday.

yikes.

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 03:14:44 GMT

sleep.
school.
Monday Club.
ROGER!!

yay!

i think pineapple candy canes could be the best

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 21:36:30 GMT

I would really like to see Roger today, but I don't like to go to his house uninvited, and I don't like to call his sister because it always seems like such an inconvenience for her to talk to me.

I might suck it up and call soon, though. I want cigarettes and coffee with Roger. :]

I cut my hair today with the clippers my mom uses to cut my dad's hair. It's probably 3/4" long. It's really strange to be able to see my natural hair color. It's really soft, though. I need to trim/style the rest of it. Maybe I'll have Roger do that. :]

I also have two cold sores on either side of my mouth. :[[ tres gay.

Oh, and Aaron is stupid.((I was reading Tracy's entries and remembered this.)) I think I let things happen to me too much, like I think that things are inevitable. Maybe I should work on this so I don't get dicked so much.

eeeee!

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 00:06:56 GMT

I lost two lbs. since Thursday! yay!

And now I have 48.5 calories left for the day that I don't know what to do with. Maybe I'll just ignore them and have some green tea.

We got our tree today, and named it Froedrick. It isn't decorated yet, but it is quite nice. :]

I think I lost my cell phone. It doesn't seem to be anywhere in the house, but I don't know where else it could be. I was thinking it could have fallen out of my pocket on the way to school, but I would have definitely noticed that. gahh.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 02:54:09 GMT

jesse, brett and I are in this video. back when i had short hair. :]

sick, again.

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 17:16:01 GMT

I woke up this morning with a migrane. I just got up a half an hour ago and I still feel drowsy after my mom gave me one of her miracle pills.

I went onto eDiets and entered all of my height and weight stuff and found that if I want to lose 12 lbs. by Decmber 31, I have to eat 1200 calories a day. Piece of cake.

Calories today
Protein Shake(75)
Iron(4)

Calories Remaining
1121

Easy.

all i want for christmas is you

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 03:36:35 GMT

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 21:42:22 GMT

Macey is gone as of 2:30 today and is on her way to Missouri to live avec her papa. :]

So,... who wants to move in? :]

home from school.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 18:28:19 GMT

I had initially planned to sleep about an hour and a half after I had woken up and and told my mom I was going into school late, but instead I slept for four.

I feel really horrible, kind of like I'm getting a cold and just really achy.

Macey just walked in. I was hoping I would have the day to myself, but not anymore.

I recently decided that I need to lose weight. For my height, I'm at a healthy weight, but I don't want to be at a "healthy" weight, I just want to be skinny. I've kind of faught with myself about the "healthy vs. skinny" since about eighth grade, and skinny always wins. For a short period of time last year though, I tried to be healthy, but I hate the way I feel when I think that I'm healthy, I just feel too dense.

My sister has recently been overcome with this obsession of picking me up. I don't know what she's proving to herself, but she's taller and weighs more than me, so I guess it's just something she likes to do to show she has something on me. I don't know, but I'd like to be at a smaller weight so she wouldn't have to struggle so much, hahaha.

back to where i started.

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 23:35:08 GMT

Hihi.

I recently deleted my MySpace and later decided to get back into journal writing. I had a Greatest Journal a while ago and I liked it a bit, but got rid of it because I thought I was living too emotionally, haha.

Each time I tell someone I got rid of my MySpace page, they all look at my shockingly as if suprised I could live without it when really, it's liberating, haha. I spent so much time doing stupid stuff on there, but now I'm hardly on the computer. It's nice. :]

Recently, my sister's best friend has been living with us, and it's been nothing but an inconvenience;

She and her mother moved down to North Carolina about three weeks ago. They stayed down there for a week and then came back because her mother didn't like it down there. I guess within ten days she found out that it's a little more difficult to find a man to control than in this small town.

So, Macey, my sister's friend has been staying with us since Friday night. This morning I was thinking about staying home from school, but then I remembered that would mean hanging out with Macey all day, which I wasn't up for. I also noticed this morning that her toothbrush is in the little cup thing with the rest of ours. It doesn't look like she's going anywhere anytime soon. :[

Besides my dad cleaning in the kitchen, my house is suprisingly quiet. Deena is asleep on the couch and the TV is off while I'm here on the computer not playing music. It makes the house seem colder.

Today I went to the bowling alley for gym, and saw that they're selling Jones Soda. I'm so excited, I'll probably go there everyday for one. They don't sell them around here, so you have to go at least 45 minutes out of town to get any. BUT NOT ANYMORE! :] Jesse was in the middle of telling me something and I remembered it right in the middle of his sentence and yelled, "They're selling Jones Soda at the Bowling Alley!". He stopped to let me interject and then continued on with what he was saying.

I would really enjoy some pizza right now. Thin crust. I think I've been losing weight. Not intentionally, but I just haven't felt like eating a whole lot, but when I do it's usually small amounts of candy, ha ha.

ohh man
sk8punk13dj (6:34:29 PM): why did you delete your myspace?
xxheyxpeacock (6:34:38 PM): Because I don't want it.
xxheyxpeacock (6:34:41 PM): MySpace is gay.