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d_elizd's journal
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I'm in Lancaster now, and it's really the place where I am happiest. I love the people here and I love just getting out of where I live. Tracy and I found some apartments online and I think I found one I like. I would like to look at them sometime, maybe next month when/if I'm here again. I'm leaving tomorrow, and I really don't want to. I've talked to my mom about tranferring here for the rest of my senior year, even before school even started again and she's always said "No" because she'd miss me too much. What the hell is my mom going to do when we live an hour away? I've decided that I'm not going to college right after high school, either. I want to work and live and have a nice time and finally decide what I want to do. Yes.
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My mom let me, well, more had me stay home from school today. She didn't like the way I sounded when i was talking to her and she said that my glands are really big, so she had me stay home. The day has been nice so far. I just finished the Perks of Being a Wallflower. It's so great. Now I need another book though. I would like to read Naked Lunch, but I don't know where to find it. When my brother gets up, I'll ask him if he has a library card, and if we could go to the library today. That would be nice. I think I have to go to Syracuse and Binghamton and Rochester this weekend with my family. I am not excited about this. I was talking to my mom last night about it, and I think we might have it agreed that if I go this weekend with them then I can go to Lancaster next weekend. That would be nice, I just hate the thought of having to endure this weekend to be rewarded with next weekend makes me itchy. I feel horrible, too because I will be missing another one of Tracy's plays. I hate it. I want to ask Jesse if he would go up this weekend since he and I were discussing it earlier this week. That way I would have a ride up and back and most of all I would get to hang out with Jesse, which I haven't done outside of school for about a year now, which really makes me very sad. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I wanted to write him a poem or something. Something really corny and cute, but would also get my point across. I might write that today if I rememeber and have the time. My mom asked me to "slick up the house." My cousin is coming to house sit while we're gone so we have to make the house look nice, I suppose. My mom asked me specifically to do laundy since we all have to pack tonight and are leaving sometime in the afternoon tomorrow. While talking with my mom about either going to Lancaster or Syracuse with them, I kept insisting that there was not going to be enough room for all of us. I still don't think there will be enough room for even my sister to go with them this time. They have to take all the equipment they'll need plus all of their luggage. It just seems so illogical to me to bring another person into all of this to stuff into the space we don't have. On top of that, I'm becoming ill. I don't want to get everyone else sick as well. I guess I'll just have to tough it out. Like I've been saying all week, "I'll do what I have to", but I guess I have to wait another week before seeing Tracy. :[
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I always forget that I want to update this. First off, George Harrison's son is extremely attractive. My dad and brother are watching A Concert for George. It's really great. Today has been such a horrible mood day for me. I kind of know why, but I'm not so sure why it's come up now. I'm thinking about Sam a lot. I still love him. And I always will. I think it might have something do to with me reading the Perks of Being a Wallflower recently. I found a copy of it in my sister's room and I started to read it, but stopped because I really want my mom to read it. She watches too much television I think, and I think it would help her talk to me more, as retarded as that seems. Anyway, Sam is a character in the book for those who haven't read it, and she's beautiful, as Charlie describes her. He really loves Sam, and Sam tells him that she loves him, too, but they can't do anything about it because she is older and really likes Craig. This only reminds me of my Sam, and how much I miss him and there's nothing I can do about it and when we were together, he knew exactly how I felt about him and I knew he liked me, too but I could never have a chance of being anything with him because he was always dating some other girl. It hurt so much, but I know that he didn't feel what he felt for me for those girls. He told me. I haven't stopped listening to Brand New for about two weeks, and it makes me sad, but it's kind of tearing the emotion I've been forcing myself not to feel out of me. I've been crying on and off all day. I also listened to Bright Eyes while I cleaned my room. I didn't do a whole lot during that time, I just had to sit and listen. It hurt, but I feel better. Different subject: I am trying to so hard to find a way to get to Lancaster this weekend for Tracy's play. I want to go so bad, but I don't know who would go with me or how I'd get there. I've been wanting Roger to go, but I haven't talked to him in a while. I should go to his house. Being in Lancaster, or at least out of this county makes me feel so good. Especially being with Tracy, because she is love. Valentine's Day is Wednesday, which could explain why I feel so horrible about all of this. The only Valentine I want is gone, but I know that if he was here, he would be my Valentine. I know it.
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Um, Alex is pretty much the cutest boy I've ever met. Ever. And I think I'm the best at finding people on MySpace/being a total creep. I haven't talked to Alex in about 3 weeks now, and it really makes me sad. He's so great. And he only lives about 45 minutes away. I need a car. I need my license. I don't feel like going to school, but I have to very soon. I'm obviously going in late, but I don't want to go in because I won't be leaving until at least 5. School, pep band rehearsal, marching band meeting, musical. Maybe someday I'll go to Olean without telling Alex and suprise him, if he's there. I still kind of remember where he lives. Gahhh. :[
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I stayed home from school today, because I could hardly get myself out of bed and then off of the couch. I feel horrible. My mom asked me what I had eaten today, which wasn't a lot since I slept for a good part of the day, and she said that it'd probably be good for me to start eating more. I hate eating. I hate the feeling of being full. I love being hungry. I love fasting and feeling light. My mom said she wasn't talking about eating meat, because she knows I would never do that, but I really don't want to eat anymore than I already do. I guess I should just start going to bed earlier. On another note, I've been beating myself up over this dilemma in my mind; Would it be better to have sex with one of your brother's friends and have your brother freak about about it, or would it be better to have sex with your friend's brother which could potentially ruin a friendship? The first one seems like it would be better, but then you would also have a brother constantly reminding you of it if it doesn't work out and awkwardness everytime that friend is around. Whatever, I need to go to bed soon. |
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I hate holidays. I ate so much these past two days. I'm fasting today and maybe tomorrow. I'm too scared to get on the scale or measure myself. So I won't. Not until Friday. GAHH! and the past two times I've gone to the police station to do my car washes, Walsh is never there and the weather is bad, so I don't have to do anything that day, which means that I have to do it at another time, which really sucks. :[ that's all.
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I made it through a week of school, and I'm still not really sure how. I came into school late a lot though, that's the only way I can seem to get there at all. I don't know how I got through all of it, because I was really hardly ever there with all of my out of school performances for select ensemble and marching band. next week is going to be just as difficult to get through with pep band performances and more select ensemble things. I really cannot wait for this year to end so I can start over. |
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i called my mom and told her how I felt today. I had intended to go to school today, but I couldn't get myself out of bed. I woke up feeling disgusting and being too warm. My cat slept on the back of my knees though, and that was nice. Mommy said that it kind of sounds like I either have mono or a mild case of the flu. I was kind of thinking the flu a few days ago. But never mono. We went through this a year ago, too. This is gay. :[ coffee.
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that I wasn't sick so I didn't have to feel so bad about missing all this school. that I could lose weight without nearly dying every time I attempt it. that I didn't live so far away from everyone I like to be around. that my temperature would get up to at least 96°. that my parents weren't the exact opposite of who I want to be. fuck that. i'm being gay.
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i went to see Roger yesterday and I think I got some of his sickness. So, I'm home today drinking tea. I want people to come over and watch movies with me, like I did for Roger yesterday, but I can't go over there and he definitely cannot come here. Just me and Dan and the dog. :[[ i got bored and did my makeup though. it's really gay,but if you're into that sort of thing, I guess I looks pretty neat.
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